


Scripted?

by Teddywolf, tigerbright



Category: Colbert Report FPF, Fake News FPF, RPF - The Daily Show
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Silly, Unrequited Crush, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2006
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 18:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teddywolf/pseuds/Teddywolf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerbright/pseuds/tigerbright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Many thanks to my husband Jacob for a thoroughly enjoyable 90 minutes writing this together.  Had he signed up for Yuletide, we might have submitted this under his name instead.</p><p>Edit: Added him as an author.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Scripted?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Agnes Joseph](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Agnes+Joseph).



> Many thanks to my husband Jacob for a thoroughly enjoyable 90 minutes writing this together. Had he signed up for Yuletide, we might have submitted this under his name instead.
> 
> Edit: Added him as an author.

"And now, it's time to check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert over at the Colbert Report!" The audience applauds on cue. The screen splits, and Stephen Colbert appears on the right. "Stephen?"

Stephen shuffles his papers, looking uncharacteristically awkward. "Jon, your tie brings out the color of your eyes tonight."

"Well, um, thank you, Stephen." The audience laughs.

"I'm serious, Jon. I know you're a married man, and I've never had the courage to say this to you over coffee, let alone on national television, but the time has come. Jon, you are one gorgeous hunk of man meat, and perhaps the only man worthy of my luxurious bed."

The audience giggles wildly. Jon waves at them to be quiet, and composes his face.

"Stephen, I am indeed a married man, but I am honored, and if I weren't married, and if I were interested in men, you would be at the top of my list, right behind George Clooney--"

"Curse you, George Clooney!" Stephen shouts.

Jon restrains a smile and continues. "But regardless, you know I'm happy to have coffee with you any time." Both audiences applaud wildly.

Stephen returns to his usual poise. "Thank you, Jon. I know that God will forgive me for this sin of unnatural lust, as I continue to fight His battles for Truth, Justice, and President Jesus here on the Colbert Report. As that flaming liberal President Jimmy Carter once said, 'I've committed adultery in my heart many times.... This is something that God recognizes, that I will do and have done, and God forgives me for it.'""

"I know He will, Stephen. Now, what have you got for us on your show tonight?"

"Why did the legislature of New Jersey legalize gay marriage, which is sinful in the eyes of the Lord? I talk with State Minority Leader Leonard Lance and ask how righteous Republicans could let faithless Democrats corrupt the Garden State from its State of Eden."

Jon barely keeps his voice from chuckling. "I'm sure that will be enlightening, Stephen. I look forward to the interview."

"Semper Infidelis, Jon!" Stephen squeezes in.

Jon holds his papers up to his face. "Thank you, Stephen! We'll see you in a moment!" As Stephen's window leaves the screen, Jon scrunches up his face and shakes his head with a grin, saying, "I swear, I don't know where this sh*t comes from." He turns to the audience. "And now, here it is, your moment of Zen."

President George W. Bush appears on-screen. "The Vice President took me aside and gave me the good news. He and his wife, Lynne, are very happy for Mary. I think Mary is going to be a loving soul to her child. And I'm happy for her." (http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20004383,00.html)


End file.
